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Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Buddhist, Common Beginner's Buddhist Mistakes

From Chinese Buddhist Encyclopedia
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 1 ) Negate everything everyone says ( Zen or Madhyamika sickness ). When someone says a very simple thing such as "The Buddha is Enlightened", you are required to state "Why does that matter? 'Buddha' is just a word. Why are you clinging to that, huh? Think about it!" This proves your mental superiority.

2 ) At every chance, call Tibetan Buddhism "Hinayana." Hinayana means "base or low vehicle" and is usually used in conjunction with Mahayana ( which means "great vehicle" ). While this even may be in the sutra you have just started reading, this will offend people. Rather than taking the high-road and calling Tibetan Buddhism Theraveda ( "the Teachings of the Elders" ), using of the word Hinayana is a wonderful way to show those following this tradition their stupidity.

3 ) At every chance, argue that the Buddha did not speak the Mahayana sutras. Say they were written by someone in the early 2nd century as if that were the consensus. Use the argument "the first written version of the sutras were discovered written at that time!" completely ignoring the fact that sutras were transmitted orally for hundreds of years. This is a sure way to cause those who follow the Mahayana to change their entire belief system and get a parade in your honor.

4 ) Call yourself a Buddhist but openly say you disbelieve in crucial tenets of Buddhism. For example, say as often as possible "rebirth is just a cultural ideosyncracy the Buddha picked up from India, it's not applicable today." This is sure to prove your open-mindedness and show all other Buddhists how wrong they were to be blind sheep ( extra points for actually calling them "blind sheep" ).

5 ) Go around talking like a monk from the sutras after the Buddha finished a very profound section. At the drop of a pin, say "I am so glad to gain what it was I never had before! In a million lifetimes, I am so lucky to have found such compassionate instruction." This will show everyone how sincere you are in your practice.

6 ) Find the person who seems to have the most wisdom in sight and see if you can get a rise out of them. Pummel them with silly questions and koans and when they don't answer the way you want, go into a tirade about how arrogant and unenlightened they are. This is one of the fastest way to prove your own Enlightenment.

7) Regurgitate a Master's teachings verbatim without quoting them. Since you realize you are not Enlightened ( which is certainly not annoying ), you must overcompensate for this by pretending to be someone else. Everyone will like you if you pretend to be someone great ( forget that the person they like it isn't you ). Emulation doesn't count - it must be verbatim.

8 ) Have no sense of humor about anything. Since your positions are the only ones that could ever be correct, when someone disagrees it is a cause for World War. Show your deep and profound understanding by realizing humor is for part-timers who have no interest in capturing the perfect and unbridled truth.

9 ) Project your own disfunction on everyone else. Since the thing we hate about other people most is what we see in ourselves but are unwilling to admit, the best way to ensure our own safety is to call out the faults of another. If you can't find the fault of another you are most worried about, find someone who is close enough and prop them up in order to tear them down ( for reference material, watch the part of Lilo and Stitch where Stitch builds the little city ). The best defense is a good offense, after all!

10 ) Worry about being annoying. We're all annoying, so don't be shy! Don't sweat the small stuff, it all comes out in the wash. So go ahead and jump right in, the water's fine.